The Most Damning of All

I wrote this and sent it in as a 'letter-to-the-editor to a newspaper. Although I'm not sure if it's been published, or will be in the future, it still felt good to do it. Scary, but also freeing.

  'As May is ‘Sexual Assault Awareness Month’, I wanted to speak out and do my part in ending the silence.

Silence about sexual violence is one of the most prevalent problems facing society today. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable with the subject – we should feel appalled about such crimes – but that doesn’t excuse the lack of dialogue about it either.

Silence can be more damning than anything. Silence plays a large role in perpetuating sexual violence and the myths that surround both the perpetrators and the victims. And chances are that many of you know someone who has experienced some form of sexual violence, whether it be rape, assault, or abuse.  The statistics, if you care to look for them, are pretty scary. Did you know, for example, that only 3% of rapists ever serve a day in jail? The other 97% walk away free.

Silence leaves the victims alone, in the dark, feeling that they do not have a voice.  I want all survivors to know that you do have a voice; that when you’re ready, your voice will be there. Your voice is one of the many things that can never be taken from you.  I know because I was a victim of sexual abuse. I have been a survivor for ten years.  And I believe that it is long past time to end the silence.' 

Hidden Truths

I found this just recently in the newsletter from March 2009 on Pandys. The core message holds a truth that all survivors need to hear.

"Take a carrot for an example.

When you grate it, it's still a carrot. You can cook it, grate it, chop it, boil it, mash it. You can do what you want to it, but it never STOPS being a carrot and nothing in the world can stop it from being one. Yes, it's been changed, yes it's different now, and yes it was tasty before it was changed. But then again, it's still tasty after it was changed, no matter what you've done to it. Hell, you can even make carrot cake, and that is pretty damn tasty! NOTHING in the world can change who you are unless you let it. Hard times and strife... sometimes it just shows you who you really are, how versatile you are. If you had never cooked that carrot, you wouldn't know that it could taste like that; you'd think it would just have that one taste, but it doesn't. Strife, hard times, show us who we really are. It doesn't change you. All it does is show another side of you that you may not have seen before. We just need to see that.

Grate me, Chop me, Peal me, Boil me, or make me into a carrot cake; I am still going to be me, and NOTHING will ever change that." - Catt

I wrote this next bit for a writing contest that was hosted in the latest Pandys Newsletter.

The topic was "What would you like people to know about the impact of sexual assault?", and there was a word limit of 150 words.

"No one ever asks to be raped or sexually assaulted. No matter their ethinicity, culture, religion, or sexual orientation. No matter how they act or dress. But one of the worst things that keeps the victims - the surivivors - silent, is the fear of being blamed, of being found to have done something that invited being sexually assualted.  Being judged by people who have no clue how devastating such a horrific experience is. How it can shatter your world, make you lose your trust in the goodness of people. How you feel like a dark stain has blemished your soul, sharp and poisonous, and if anyone looks close enough, they'll be able to see it. How your voice is swallowed by the silence that lingers around the subject. Judged by people you have no idea how we discovered hidden reserves of strength within; that we have become stronger for having survived."

Project Unspoken: Break the Silence, Spread Awareness

These videos are a part of something called 'Project Unspoken' which is concerned with breaking the silence around sexual assault and rape, and spreading awareness. The statistics shown are pretty scary.

This first one brings tears to my eyes, and I love that it's people who know survivors that are speaking out, sending positive messages to the survivors they know; messages which I believe are universal towards all survivors.

You're not just a victim. You're a survivor.

Some of my favourite messages for survivors:
"You could be running around naked and it doesn't mean you're asking to get sexually assaulted or raped. There's nothing that you can do to ask for it."

"There's nothing wrong with you." "And you're still a strong person regardless of that situation"

"No matter what that person did to you, they didn't take away your beauty as a person, as a woman."

"Don't find truth in the way you've been hurt because it's not. The truth is the way that you bounce back and how you recover from it."

"You're beautiful, and I love you, and I'm always here for you if you ever need me."


Just as inspiring as the first, this video asks many of the same people from the first video the question, 'What do you do on a daily basis to avoid rape, sexual assault, or harassment?' It's awesome.

 I am tired of the silence.

I completely agree that "It should be a right to walk down the street and be safe; not something you have to actively work hard at."

It's like there's an epidemic in the midst of society but it's shoved under the rug, ignored, surrounded by a deafening silence. It's time to change that. I too, am tired of the silence.

Fearless: The Power of Words

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This is the first in a special little series of entries that I have planned for this month. And I thought it would be appropiate to start where I consider my healing journey to of truly begun.

My healing journey started with one word. One word that touched me as no other single word ever has. It reached inside me and grabbed a hold of my heart, and I broke down and cried.

I was sinking into a bit of a depression again, was spending all my time ignoring reality and trying to lose myself in the in the fantastical world of fiction. School work sat abandoned half-finished on the computer but I resolutely did not think about it; just another regular day for me.

My mom was on a website that caught my attention. She was on the Joyful Heart Foundation's website because of a necklace she was curious about that Mariska Hargitay, the lead actress from Law and Order: SVU (Special Victims Unit) always seemed to wear. Mariska was the founder of Joyful Heart, and my mom was looking at a picture of the necklace in question.

Then I read the word carved into the metal plaque: FEARLESSNESS. 

Immediately I felt something deep inside me respond to this word. As it sunk in deeper, as I read the word again, the swell of emotion that rose like a tidal wave in me could not be stopped. I broke down into tears. I finally had to acknowledge that yes; there was something wrong with me. I was not fine. 

I had been hiding. Hiding for a long time from emotions I had been burying for far too long. One of the predominant of those was fear. A huge, overwhelming fear that I didn’t – still don’t – fully understand. It was scary to even think about it let alone let myself feel it. Seeing that word, FEARLESSNESS, changed my life.

Before than I knew that words had power, I just didn’t know how powerful one word could be all on its own.

After that it was a matter of working up the courage to call a crisis line that could set me up for counselling. It took me a couple of weeks to get to the point where I picked up the phone and, shaking like a leaf, dialed the number. It was, I believe, my first big step forward.

Since then I have taken a few more steps forward on my healing journey. I saw a counsellor for a while until I felt I’d made enough progress to take a break from sessions. I’ve been making some progress on my own through contemplation, art, writing in my journal, and allowing myself to feel all the things I was avoiding before (or at least trying to). I joined an amazing forum called Pandora’s Aquarium that has helped me immensely. I want to support others who have had similar experiences and have the extra support as well. Joining was scary, but I knew I needed to do it. And I’m glad I did. I did have to take a break from the site for a while, however, for the sake of my healing journey. Now though, I’m back in full force.

Recently, I’ve started doing school work again, taking regular walks, and eating better. I even have a job now (my first ever)! I'm beggining to have a measure of confidence in myself again,

For everyone out there still struggling, keep going. You can do it! One small step (or giant leap, if that's more your style) at a time. It won't always be easy and there will be plenty of bumps in the road, but it's not impossible either. Remember, it's not how far you fall, but how high you bounce back that counts!


“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” - Brene Brown

Telephonophobia

So, I searched ‘telephone phobia’ in google, hoping to find something to use for a witty title, and found that I actually do have a telephone phobia. According to Wikipedia, telephonophobia is “a fear or reluctance of making or taking phone calls”. For the longest time, I’ve simply referred to this as my 'telephone thing' but I’m pretty sure now that it’s a phobia.

I hate using the phone.  Having to make a phone call makes me so anxious that my palms start to sweat, and I get shaky. I put it off for as long as possible and try to script what I’m going to say. But I still can’t control or predict what the other person will say, how they will react. After most phone calls, I spend time analyzing what I said and fretting over how I could have said whatever I did say better, how I could have expressed myself more clearly, or wishing I hadn’t said something at all.

There are only two people I’m comfortable on the phone with, and I’m still reluctant to actually make the calls myself with these two: my mom, and my best friend of over eleven years. I do have some level of comfort with other close family members, but not as much as the two previously mentioned.

I prefer to talk in person or send a text/email then talk over the phone, even though hearing a voice is more personal than the later methods of communication. I fear having nothing to say, and the resulting awkward silences. I fear saying the wrong thing, whatever that is.  I fear what the person on the other end is going to say.

I’ve dealt with this for years, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this. I still have no idea what, if anything, to do about it.

Restoring Hope

This young girl gives me hope for the future. She is truly inspiring.

The full quote/poem: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves – ‘who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson

The scariest part about this is, after contemplating it for a while, I realised that in many ways this is very true (at least for me). While I think I fear my darkness, I’m beginning to think that maybe I do fear my light more. I’m afraid both of failure and success, which doesn’t really leave much wiggle room. But I think that to chase after my dreams, I’m going to have to let go of my fear of both light and darkness, and embrace both. 

Love this.

“They made him break rocks, thinking they were breaking his spirit. Haha! Little did they know they were preparing him to break barriers of inequality, oppression, and discrimination!” 

There are no words. 

First Step Towards Independence

So, today I finally did something that I’ve been putting off for a while: I got my learner’s licence.

It’s something most teens do – or at least most of the kids in my class did – as soon as possible after they turn fourteen. Me, not so much.

There are quite a few drivers out there who I’m astounded managed to get their licences considering the way they drive. These same drivers scare me. Although to be honest, the thought of doing the actual driving myself is scary enough on its own.

But being able to drive is a useful skill to have. I decided that I had stalled long enough (with a couple of helpful nudges from family). So I got the new Driver’s Handbook that was published this past December, and studied for a good week. Then I took the practice test on the AMA website a few times to make sure I was ready.

I was so nervous today, even though I knew that I was as prepared as I could be. I still freaked out a bit. And I still passed. And it was one of the best feelings in the world when I did.

Before my mom even knew I passed the test, in fact, while I was still writing it, she picked me up this ‘success’ pendent in the second-hand store. I love it! Thanks for having confidence in me mom.  :)

                         (Sorry about the quality of the photo; my phone's camera isn’t the best.  :\  )

Thanks to my brother as well, for having confidence in me (especially when I don’t), and for always encouraging me.

Now I just have to actually get in a car and start learning.

Stumbling Across the Truth

I wrote this almost a year ago now, and I pretty much forgot about it. I only just discovered it again recently. It seems appropriate for what I’m going through, and what I’m trying to do now.

I run

As fast and far as I can

Lungs screaming

Legs burning

Yawning darkness

Looming right behind me

I reach out

Cry for help

No one answers

I can’t stop

Can’t rest

Can’t catch my breath

Can’t find a way out

Then I hit a dead end

Nowhere else to go

No way to keep running

Stubbornly, I ignore

The darkness breathing down my neck

Focus on flights of fancy

On the universe in my head

But reality creeps in around the edges

And I can’t live forever

In non-existent worlds

So I steel myself

Gather all the strength I have left

Turn around

And face it all

The storm surrounds me

I can’t escape the

Anguish

Pain

Anger

But I do not break

I do not fall

I hold on

To fireflies of hope

To sparks of love

And they keep me afloat

A light appears

Out of the darkness

Growing brighter

Revealing warm faces, reaching hands

All that time

I had never really been alone

I had been blind

Now I can finally see

What I had hidden from myself

That while I have been twisted and bent

I am still whole (not broken)

I am still here (not consumed)

I am strong enough

To make it through the storm

I can live.


© Kyrie Gray, 2012

Hiding From Life

A few days ago my mom said something to me that hit me like a basketball to the face: “You’re hiding from life.”

I never really thought of it as hiding before. I know I’m not living life as I should be, as I want to be, and I know that fear is the main thing that’s stopping me. But hiding is something that I never associated with how I’m living now. Now I’ve realised how true this is; I have been – am still – hiding.

This has been happening mostly subconsciously for many years now. I’ve been engineering my own failure, mainly when it comes to school work, but also with my creative writing and anything else that I try to do. All so that I can stay in my safe haven, a place that I’ve been forging for years with forbidding walls, and nearly impenetrable defenses. And now I’m attempting to lock myself in.

My world has been comprised of my house, the internet, and the world of fiction, with occasional visits outside every now and then for appointments at the dentist and the like. I don’t know how to live life, or even interact with people. In fact, I’m wary of people and their intentions. I’ve been stung one too many times in the past when I’ve tried to reach out. Ultimately, I am afraid of the outside world (the outside world being the world beyond my home and computer). A world that in many ways, I’ve been disconnected from for a long time. And I can’t seem to find the spot – the socket – where I connect anymore. I know that the world is out there and that I’m a part of it, but I don’t always feel it.

It’s easy to feel insignificant with almost seven billion other people on the planet and a universe that’s so huge that it hurts my brain to even contemplate it. They say one person can change the world but it’s hard to believe it a lot of the time (then again, there is another quote that says that the people crazy enough to believe that they can change the world, are the ones who do). However, that’s not really what makes me feel so distant from the world; that is all on me.

I disconnected myself by choice to protect myself. Now I’m so used to hiding that I don’t know how to stop. I have to find a way though. I can’t keep going on like this. I don’t want to keep on living in such a closed world, where nothing much ever happens and where I’m wasting my life away, never truly experiencing all that life has to offer.

Maybe what I really need to do is steel my courage, face my fear, and take a step outside.